A Burger Too Far

FARMER JOE’S CELEBRATES MILESTONE


Farmer Joe’s Country Style Burger Co. is a quality fast food chain that has been serving the people of America for over 150 years* with tasty, nutritious** and well priced cuisine in a relaxed, family friendly^ atmosphere. Perhaps an indication of their might was demonstrated yesterday afternoon, when a class suit against the corporation was thrown out of court after a third appeal. Today this American institution celebrates its eightieth anniversary. It has gone from strength to strength throughout the years, from its humble beginnings in rural Nebraska, to a multinational corporation dominating 53% of the world’s deep fried food market.

The Farmer Joe’s tradition can be traced back to 1924, to the small town of Chucksville, Nebraska where a local farmer named Joe Bird opened up a small diner selling hamburgers, which he named Farmer Joe’s. The hamburgers were made from the finest selections of ground up meat, which came from Joe’s old horses and dairy cows, which the pet food factory would not accept. “Farmer Joe” is said to be the nickname given to Joe by the townsfolk, as he was a much-liked man, who had a love of children. He was especially fond of teenage girls, and it is said that he would let them come over to his house, where he would welcome them warmly and have them stay for hours on end, inviting them to play and bath with him out of the goodness of his heart. Joe’s famous burgers were called “Big Joes” and were served with potato skin fried in goose fat and “Coffee Soda”, a mixture of sugar, soda water and coffee. The diner was an immediate success, with the locals warming to the taste of the burgers, and people would often travel from miles around to be impressed by the taste of the food, but disappointed at the service. It was this pioneering method of food service that made Farmer Joe’s unique from any other diners around at the time. The practice of forcing customers to order and collect their own food, with all staff showing little interest in the customers or their work is a method still used in fast food outlets the world over. The diner grew healthily over several years, unlike its customers, and in 1927 expanded to include the barn next door. Joe’s rather liberal food preparation techniques and lack of flavor in his burgers was well and truly overshadowed by the low prices and copious amounts of oil used in the cooking process. However, in 1928, disaster struck Farmer Joes’s with the introduction of new Health Laws, limiting the amount of vermin contained in food to 5% and preventing food to be bred, killed, prepared and cooked in the same room. Bird was given twelve months to comply with the new regulation, which he failed to do, due in some part to the six-month jail term he served that same year for Grand Larceny. So, on April 18th 1929, the health department shut down Farmer Joe’s, ending an era that, although not lasting even five years, left Americans with a hankering for fatty, sugar filled food that wouldn’t be easily satisfied.

So more than fifty years passed, fast food chains came and went, and America had still an empty spot for pre-cooked, highly processed food. In 1981 a well-respected Wall Street executive, Joseph Gorbinski, and several business partners decided to capitalize on this and so the Farmer Joe’s tradition was re-born. It was to be called Farmer Joe’s Country Style Burger Co. and would be a budget family restaurant embodying all of the characteristics of the previous Farmer Joe’s from fifty-two years ago. Whether or not the company’s founder, having immigrated to America in 1967 and never been out of New York State, even had any knowledge of the existence of a previous Farmer Joe’s is a minor issue still debated today, but it is clear that the unique structure was present. Initially three stores opened up in The Bronx, New York, and were an astounding success. The outlets sold a small selection of hamburgers to cater for all diets#, served with French fries and soft drink. As was with the original Farmer Joes, the flagship of the burger range was the “Big Joe”, a mouth-watering mix of meat<, salad, cheese and special sauce. The combination was an extraordinary success, and sales steadily increased by 20% monthly for the first year (coincidently the same average increase in weight of the local population). Despite the huge time difference, the modern Farmer Joe’s food preparation and ingredients bore a striking resemblance to that of the original restaurant. In 1982, the franchise opened up four new food outlets around New York City, with most stores having great success, except for one that was situated in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood. Several of the outlets now had a drive in service, one of the first such ever seen, designed to allow customers too overweight to enter the shop under their own power to still eat the food which they loved so much. This was an innovative solution to a problem that had plagued fast food restaurants for some time, as such people made up for 40% of business. Farmer Joe’s was developing a solid customer base, finding that most people who ate there more than once would return to become frequent customers.  This was thanks to Farmer Joe’s delicious and unique flavor as well as Gorbinski’s ingenious way of getting around federal laws preventing addictive additives being put in food. Farmer Joe’s continued its strong growth, and by 1985 had stores all over New York State, as well as several stores in Chicago, Seattle, Detroit and Los Angeles.

In 1986, a new marketing team was appointed, who found the need to diversify Farmer Joe’s, now a household name across the country. The solution reached was stores with different themes. This saw four different types of the franchise open up over the country; Regular Farmer Joe’s; Le Farmer Joe’s De A le Carte;  Joe’s Pizzeria and the highly controversial XXX Joe’s. Despite the different names, all four franchises basically sold the same food as Farmer Joe’s had always sold (Except Joe’s Pizzeria which sold deep fried pizza), and they weren’t a huge success, so they reverted to good old ever popular Farmer Joe’s. Come 1987, the franchise decided to concentrate on globalization, a new and exciting business practice that had only recently been heard of. That year was very eventful, with Farmer Joe’s settling their first lawsuit against them for making a fourteen year old obese, for a meager
$40 000. The corporation, now with an international vision, opened up stores in Canada, Britain, West Germany, France, Saudi Arabia, Mexico, South Africa and Australia. Naturally, there were preliminary teething problems, as always comes with international expansion, and several changes had to be made. Deep fried black pudding and baked beans were added to the British menu, menus and promotional material had to be un-Americanized and spelt correctly in Arabic in the Middle East and black people had to be banned from South African restaurants. All operations were temporarily abandoned in Europe, as they could not compete with good quality food.

After four years, Farmer Joe’s Country Style Burger Co. was a well-established global corporation, with restaurants in 43 different countries. It was then that company leadership decided that it was time for a Farmer Joe’s mascot; a character that would represent both all that the fast food chain stood for, and it’s average customer. However it was decided that an obese, unintelligent, money hungry and heartless hillbilly would be bad for business, and the famous Farmer Joe was born. This well known mascot was seven feet tall, wore overalls, a wide brim hat with a bit of piece of straw protruding from his mouth. He had three mascot friends, being Kenny the Cow, Potato Pete and Coke Cane, which was later replaced with Caffeine Kev, later replaced with Courtney Coca-Cola due to discrimination claims. When the Gulf War broke out that same year, in a show of patriotism, Farmer Joe’s generously supplied the army with cut price food for troops serving in Iraq. Unfortunately, the highly fatty and low energy food did not benefit troops a great deal and to make matters worse refrigerating the produce was difficult, and thousands of soldiers got chronic food poisoning or gained quite an amount of weight as a result of eating only fast food for six months. It is rumored that senior officers were sending reports to the Pentagon that “Many troops are unable to even walk ten miles, let alone walk ten miles with 20 pound packs on their backs and enemy threatening from all directions”. These reports were never confirmed however, and Farmer Joe’s remains adamant that their products are not only healthy**, but eating them at least once a day can work wonders for the body+.

In 1992, major advances in technology made the cooking efficiency of microwave ovens improved and the cost of the machines significantly reduced. So, the following year, Farmer Joe’s adopted this cutting edge technology into all of their food outlets, making the cooking of burger patties seventeen times quicker. This new innovation reaped rewards for the customer, with the lower food prices and waiting time allowing millions of underprivileged customers easier access to the American dream; fast food and lots of it. On the morning August 10th, 1995, news broke about an event that was to change the world forever. A young disgruntled Farmer Joe’s employee, rumored by some to be the member of a secretive terrorist organization with links to McDonalds Family Restaurants, broke into the safe of the store he worked at and stole the document containing the ingredients to the Farmer Joe’s Secret Sauce. He then sent this top-secret document to the media, and the eleven secret artificial colors and flavors of the coveted Secret Sauce echoed around the world. Fortunately none of Farmer Joe’s competitors copied the secret ingredients, as the chemical equations were far too difficult and dangerous to be carried out, so the corporation continued its monopoly over the fast food market. The next big event for Farmer Joe’s occurred in 1996, which saw the beginning of the GM (Genetically Modified) food revolution. Farmer Joe’s had been investing quite a deal of money into this research for several years beforehand and were the true pioneers in this magical field of science. Although GM foods are entirely safe+, Farmer Joe’s cared about nothing more than the health of their customers and took extra precautions by testing all these food before putting them on the market. The company, being strong advocates for animal rights among other things, did not test these products on animals, as was the norm at the time and they instead generously tested on homeless people whom they paid. The results of the tests were perfect, with most participants> at the end of the six month study having multiple cancers, skin diseases, brain hemorrhages, hair loss and physical disabilities, which they all had before taking part in the study. So, since 1997, Farmer Joe’s has been using only the finest selections of GM produce to give the world burgers and fries that are now tastier and better colored than ever before.

On that fateful day, September 11 2001, tragedy struck the Farmer Joe’s family. Farmer Joe’s much loved owner and founder Joseph Gorbinski was on the 49th floor of the South tower of the World Trade Center when the first plane hit, and he past away along with thirteen other Farmer Joe’s executives and employees. Survivors of the disaster have told of Joseph Gorbinski in the final minutes bravely pushing people in front of him down the stairwell, possibly to get them to safety quicker, and shoving people aside with his briefcase, possibly shield them from falling objects. Our hearts went out to these fourteen good people and their families, and as a sign of respect, Farmer Joe’s even offered to build the Farmer Joe’s Country Style Burger Co. Memorial Towers, a giant 96 floor restaurant honoring those thousands that died there. Recently, a vicious and untrustworthy filmmaker, rumored to be a member of a terrorist group affiliated with Burger King, made a controversial and biased film titled Fatten Me Up. Farmer Joe’s would firstly like to strongly discourage people to see the film, but points out to others who may have watched it that the filmmakers rapid weight gain and decline in health is not due to eating Farmer Joe’s food, but instead some medication which he took for several days to lower his heart rate, which may have had a high fat content, against the laws of his “experiment”.

Farmer Joe’s Country Style Burger Co. may have come a long way since its beginnings all those years ago, but it still this year, it’s 80th anniversary, offers the same atmosphere and food it always has. Farmer Joe’s has been involved in basically every major event in the past twenty-three years; American Aids was first detected in a Farmer Joe’s employee, The Gulf War, the only fast food available as a last meal on Death Row, President Clinton was eating a “Big Joe” when Monica Lewinski seduced him and September Eleven to name a few. Whilst offering good old-fashioned service and hygiene standards, Farmer Joe’s is at the forefront of technology as well (All outlets now have portable defribulators) and we hope to serve the world with fast food for another 150* years. So show your patriotism and go and buy two burgers from Farmer Joe’s Country Style Burger Co. on this landmark anniversary year; eat one for yourself and one for America!



*Dog years  **This statement may be incorrect  ^With the exception of XXX Joe’s  #Except vegetarian, Hindu, Jewish & Muslim diets  +Farmer Joe’s Country Style Burger Co. accepts no responsibility for any poor health, genetic deformities or death as a direct or indirect result of eating our food  <All “meat” products are at least 40% meat or meat bi-product  >All other participants died